No Thanks, I Saw the Trailer

I love movies but I can’t stand movie trailers. I’ve gotten to the point that I actively try to avoid all contact with the trailer to a movie I might be interested in. Trailers just tend to give away too many key aspects to a film’s storyline, ruining any surprise that may have occurred.

I don’t blame those that cut them together; it’s a tough job. You have to create something that will draw interest in the film yet at the same time you need (or hope) the audience to forget much of what you show them. That can’t be an easy task. The most interesting parts of a film are usually the most dramatic — the protagonist confronts the antagonist, an interesting plot twist is revealed, etc. It only makes sense that clips from those scenes will be used in a film’s trailer to entice the viewing audience to spend their money. The problem is that, too often, those trailers reveal too much of the story so that when you do sit down to enjoy the film you’ve already been given crucial information that you shouldn’t have.

Sometimes it’s not even specific details they give away. Take, for example, this TV spot for the film The Perfect Getaway. While it doesn’t necessarily show you anything that would blow the cover of a plot twist it does tell you that there is a plot twist. That’s not so much a statement as a challenge. All I’m going to be thinking about as I watch the film is “where is the twist?” and “how are they setting me up?” With that in mind, it’s not hard to tell that Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich are the actual murderers. For a film that is so dependent on the surprise ending, they really didn’t make it much of a surprise by letting the viewer in on it.

Then there are the trailers that completely misguide the viewer. The trailers for Inglorious Basterds amp the viewer up for a action-packed WWII film about a group of American troops blazing through the German countryside killing Nazi soldiers with extreme prejudice. Not only is that not what the film is about but it’s also not what we see. They even go so far as to include high-action clips from scenes that never made it to the final cut of the film. If you waked into that movie expecting a ot of action (as the trailers promised) you were probably disappointed.

Take a look at this TV spot for the film THE BOX. The ad establishes the premise, a couple is presented with a decision — press the button and receive one million dollars but if they do a person somewhere in the world will die. Sounds intriguing. I haven’t seen the film (in fact, it isn’t even being released for another couple of weeks) and I haven’t read the script but just from that thirty-second spot I can safely presume that the initial moral dilemma becomes much more complicated when it turns out that the person to die is somehow related to them. I’m fairly certain this is a plot twist the filmmakers would like the audience to not know about before viewing the film. They’re banking on the idea that those quick pieces of information exposed in the TV spot will be forgotten once the film starts. Oh well.

My solution? I propose a trailer rating system. I’m not referring to the green cards you see in the theater before each trailer notifying you that “The folowing preview has been APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES by the MPAA. The film has been rated [fill in the blank].” That’s just a rating to let you know there’s no naughty words or expoding faces in the upcoming trailer. I’m talking about a leveled rating system to inform the viewer how much of the story is given away and/or some sort of notification system to let people know “hey, if you have a small idea of how we like to set things up, you probably don’t want to watch this or you’ll be able to figure out the entire story just from these 2 minutes.” Break it down into tiers, based on the knowledge of the viewer.

US1990/NF – The US1990/NF (no foreign) rating is the bottom of the barrel. These trailers are safe for people whose cinematic repertoire resides almost solely in 1990-present American films, with no foreign films being viewed. These trailers will blatantly expose integral story facts — who the killer is, where the treasure is buried, how the puzzle is solved, etc. These trailers use absolutely no discretion and are intended for people who wouldn’t be able to figure out a plot twist if it fell out of the sky, landed on their nose and started to wiggle around. These trailers should only be viewed by teens who have suffered massive head trauma, young children, fans of Michael Bay and anyone who owns at east one Marlon Wayans film on DVD.

US1977/HoF – The US1977/HoF (heard of foreign) rating is for people that believe cinema started with STAR WARS. These trailers are for people that compare everything to STAR WARS and refer to THE FUGITIVE as “the one where Han Solo was a doctor.” These trailers are littered with spoilers and will almost always contain every redeeming part of the film squeezed into two minutes. If you’ve ever gotten into an expletive-ladened argument on a message board over who was better — Frodo or Luke Skywalker — then these trailers are safe for you to view. These trailers are usually accompanied by the latest “dope track” from the musician that is starring in the film. Also, if you’ve ever dressed up in character costume for the viewing of a film in public, these trailers are safe for you. Bonus points if it was a midnight showing of said film.

US1960/AANF – The US1960/AANF (Academy Award nominated foreign) rating is for people who have seen and enjoyed some of the treasures from the 1960s as well as the spattering of foreign films that cause enough buzz in the States to garner some press. You’re capable of being discriminating when it comes to using trailers to select which films you watch but the blatant tip-offs will often be forgotten once the lights go down. Every once in a while you can see a plot twist coming and pride yourself on knowing that Jeff Daniels’ character in ‘Blood Work’ was the killer 40 minutes into the film. You enjoy black & white films from the States but the combination of black & white and a foreign language is just a wee bit too much for you to overcome when viewing a film. Once in a while, after a few drinks, you refer to the 1960s as “the olden days.”

US1930/FB&W – The US1930/FB&W (foreign black & white) rating is for people that only require sound. You enjoy John Ford, Howard Hawks and celebrate Akira Kurosawa’s entire catalogue. You once got into an expeltive-ladened argument on an Internet message board about Andy Devine and you knew Jeff Daniels’ character in ‘Blood Work’ was the killer just 15 minutes into the film. You claim to have correctly predicted the true identity of Kaiser Soze, although you don’t have any witnesses to back that up. You also claim to actually know which came first — the chicken or the egg. These trailers are nothing more than a title card with the names of the actors, director and screenwriter, accompanied by a two sentence description of the plot.

AllFilmsF&D – The AllFilmsF&D (foreign and domestic) rating is for that rare person who has seen or is desperately trying to see “everything.” You named your dog Charles Pathe. You’ve actually seen a film starring Lillian Russell. You have copious amounts of opinions but they’re all cinema-related and no one wants to hear them. You correctly predicted the ending to ‘The Pride of the Yankees’ …. in 1937. You don’t watch films as much as you allow films to be screened in your presence. These trailers are just a blank screen and simply afford you the opportunity to use your psychic powers to view the movie before it even enters production. You’ve never seen ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.’